he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
