Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
