halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
