just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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