took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
