i need an iv and a liver transplant
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
