I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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