I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
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Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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My breasts were aching with rage.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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