how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
did i just pee glitter
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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