Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
