My hair reeks of homosexuality.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
