The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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