I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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