it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
