did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
