tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
