apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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