Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
