Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
