When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
