My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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