Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
