I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Nicole vs. Life
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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