9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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