i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
