Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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