Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
