You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's blow job season.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power