Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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