in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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