Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
