Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
