You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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