I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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