dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
