I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
