Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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