apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
