My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
