Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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