or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
