remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
