My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
