when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
