Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There's always time for handjobs
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
