textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My feet surprised me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
