i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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