RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
