it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
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when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
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No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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