I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
