In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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