I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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