My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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