You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
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My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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