So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
