I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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