My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
